Thursday, November 15, 2012

Remember remember something something November....

Well Guy Fawkes day has come and gone, Remembrance Day likewise has come and gone, and now once again, things will change.

I finish my work on the pilot of King & Maxwell tomorrow.  Saturday, I get the hair colour I've been lusting after for a long long time:

 Damn straight I"m a redhead at heart, and damn straight its going to be vibrant, because *I* am vibrant! And on Monday, I start the first day at my new job: A Post Production PA at Take 5 Productions.

Take 5 are the masters behind the amazing series The Tudors and The Borgias and are currently working on a new series called Vikings.  I'm uber excited to start here because it will be my first foray into the realm of post production in a "professional" (i.e. paid!) way. I'm excited, I'm nervous, but most of all I'm happy.  Working in a production office like this one will hopefully mean less ridiculous hours (of course there will still be long nights on occasion) and more importantly: biking to work!

This blog is supposed to be about my journey to health and happiness.  I've been mainly dealing with the issues I encounter on my way to health, though admittedly that has gone hand in hand with my happiness. Now, as it happens, an opportunity has come to me for increased happiness that will add to my aspects of health.  Less time at work means more time at home during the week so I can *gasp* perhaps cook a meal at night instead of having to precook it on the weekend. Maybe then I'll have more time to get up in the morning so I can work out again in the AM (though I'd probably stick that to the shorter workouts and keep my long Fire45/55/30 classes to the PM).  But that will also mean more time with my man, meaning a healthier, happier relationship and being able to use the weekends for more than just catching up on housework, sleep, food prep and the like. Quality of life goes up, happiness goes up, health goes up.

It's all just a big ecosystem of life eh?

In other news, I'm down to 201.6 lbs, making me so darned close to being under 200 that its driving me insane!!!  My goal is to lose 2.5 lbs by Dave and I's anniversary which is on the 25th of November.  3 years together, and my oh my what a ride it's been!  I'm working on eating cleaner and healthier, and I gotta say its making me feel way more awake and energized during the day.  In the afternoon, I know that if I make my snack a couple of sugary cookies and a handful of Reese's Pieces, I'm going to be falling asleep at my desk by 3pm.  If I make it a small apple with almond butter or a banana and yogurt, I'll be good and if not super bright eyed, I'll be awake and functional and better able to do my job.

Its a long process, but I'm learnin!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

The Lovely Bones...errr Muscles?

I've found my hip bone.

I'm sore.

What could these two facts possibly have to do with each other?  Well, technically, they have my obliques in common.  Which are currently sore.  Since I've started TurboFire, I've noticed that my core has been rather sore, and when I go to massage the soreness, I'm finding less and less fat, and more and more lean muscle.  And of course, bone!  My hip bone has started to make its presence VERY clear lately.  My cat can no longer perch on my hip whilst I am sleeping without it becoming uncomfortable!  While you can see the number slowly crawl its way down, down down, and you can also see your pant size go down down down, being able to FEEL the difference in your physique makes this journey so much more REAL.

I've felt triumph, I've felt pain, I've felt fear, worry, angst, frustration, loss, gain, any number of emotions on this journey but the past few days a new feeling has been growing within me and its really new for me.

Awe.

I'm in awe of myself and my body.  I'm achieving things I never thought I'd be close to being able to do 6 months ago.  I feel more alive, excited and yes, sore than I've ever felt in my life.  It's different from being in rowing where weight training and running were mandatory, but I never clicked with it.  I never really was conscious of what working out would do for and to my body.

I think its really important for people to be conscious of what their working out does for them.  When teaching kids about nutrition in school, I think it'd be extremely valuable for them to be taught WHY certain foods are good other than just "eat this and you'll get fat".  That's negative instruction.  Rather, why not tell them that in order for their bodies to build muscle, they need to eat x amount of this and x amount of that.  Explain to them why muscle is important, why being physical is important, why doing things like yoga, is important.  Why is flexibility important? Tell them!  And I know there will be folks out there who will say "kids won't understand or won't care".  You're underestimating them.  They're frakking smart.  And if for every 4 kids you only impact 1, that's 1 in 4 kids who will go on to influence their friends.  That's 1 in 4 kids who will avoid the epidemic of childhood obesity.

Placing blame on the food industry is easy.  Educating your children to make smart choices is not.  Sure, I believe that if its not in the house, you won't go out to get it, but everybody at some point has to go grocery shopping and it can be TOUGH to avoid those highly processed crap foods.  Willpower is a myth, really. What actually motivates your choices (and your kids choices) is knowledge.  If your kids KNOW what Mc Donalds will do to them, they'll think twice before scarfing down on a Big Mac.  Placing emphasis on health and fitness over being waif-model thin is also important.  We want to foster positivity, not negativity and self hatred and eating disorders.  Show them docs like "Food, Inc" or "Supersize Me".  Give them incontrovertible proof about how terrible fast food is.  Then teach them invaluable skills like how to cook for themselves.

Let's face it, this is not an easy problem to solve because of how much we've let the food industry get away with feeding the masses sh*t.  All for the bottom line, in the name of capitalism, profit and industry.  What the hell good is all of that (aka $$$$) when you haven't got your health?  Those top 1%, keep stepping on the downtrodden masses....who's going to be the respective cogs in your machines when they're all diseased and can't work?

Okay okay, rant over.  Back to work.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Battle of the Bathroom Scale!

So I've been plateaued for about 4 weeks at 209.
I thought I had been down to 206, because my bathroom scale and my wiiFit did not agree with each other, as my wiifit had me at 206lbs and the bathroom scale at 209.

 Eventually I just realized that I'm ridiculous and can't do simple math (the wii is in kg) but figured out that they do jive and that I hadn't lost as much weight as I had thought I did.  Follow this with about 4 weeks of 209 staring at me in the face each week and its enough to drive anyone crazy!  Well this past week I have started TurboFire AND upped my daily intake of calories and guess what was waiting for me on the scale this morning?

 205 baby!

Lesson be learned: When you're dropping weight and building muscle, eventually those muscles need more calories in order to keep themselves happy and healthy.  And when you have happy healthy muscles, they thank you by burning tons of calories!  Keep in mind though: you need to make sure you're eating the RIGHT calories.  Not junk food!  Keep the blood sugar as even as possible!

Operation Clean Eating is underway as well.

PS: I know many out there will do the "but you shouldn't worry about the # on the scale.  Quite frankly, at my weight, that's bollocks.  The number *IS* important because at my height and age, being over 200lbs is NOT healthy....I mean unless its all pure muscle, but that's kinda not the look I"m going for!  Once I get closer to my goal weight, I'll be able to care less and less about the number on the scale (though will be checking in to make sure I"m maintaining appropriately once my body weight levels off).  I'm already getting to a place where I can appreciate more how I feel in comparison to 6 months ago, but again that number is still very important.

Monday, October 22, 2012

TurboFired UP!!!!

So I'm about a week into my new TurboFire system and phewf! I never worked this hard on Jillian Michaels Body Rev.  My heart rate monitor shows me working out well into my anaerobic zone (@ 80-90% of your max heart rate...I'd be lying if I said I never went above 90%) and man oh man its crazy!  I can't work out that high intensity forever, its just impossible for the body to be able to do that, so I do have to take quick breaks, but I always jump back in when I've caught my breath and managed my heart rate a bit (10seconds max).  Chalene KILLS your abs while just jacking up your cardio intensity.  Even if I did everything low low impact, I'd still get a killer workout!  Tomorrow's a Core class, which I haven't done yet so I'm looking forward to and yet slightly dreading the pain....
....wait wait, what's that?

"Pain is just fear leaving the body!"


...Thanks Jillian, you'll always have a place in my workout schedule ;-)

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

TURBO's ON FIRE!!!!

For those of you who know me well, and maybe even not so well, know that my nickname is Turbo.  Fitting then, that I should try TurboFire as my next exercise system.  Distributed by Beachbody, the same folks who bring you P90x and TurboJam, its headed up by Chalene Johnson, trainer to the stars.  She's energetic, she's supportive, she's blonde.

She's kind of the complete opposite to Jillian in that she's motivating with a chipper attitude and "feels the endorphins" and loves feeling the burn, etc.  Jillians Body Revolution was fantastic to start out with.  It's half an hour a day, which is totally awesome, and you are always able to mod up and down (as you are, admittedly with Chalene's system too) to your fitness level.  Jillians strength lies in being able to motivate someone (me) to keep going and push themselves after an extended amount of time of relative inactivity (i.e. years! Although I had been biking quite a bit, actual "working out" hadn't been done since highschool).

Her little phrases

"It's only 30 minutes a day, you can do ANYthing for 30 minutes"
"When you have a WHY, you can tolerate ANY HOW"
"Nobody likes working out, the only good thing about working out is the skinny jeans at the end!"

It was the "I totally hate to work out, I feel ya, but let's just bang this out real quick I swear you'll see changes, I'm only asking for half an hour a day, you can TOTALLY do this and change your life!" attitude that kept me going with her.  After doing the Body Revolution for the full 90 days and then another half way through, I was feeling a bit bored.  It wasn't that the system was no longer challenging, as I said you can always mod up, I just felt like doing something different.  I had been following someone's fitness page on Facebook (Hard Work & Dedication) and she had started doing a system called TurboFire.  I checked it out, and liked what I saw....a bunch of really sweaty folks having FUN while pushing their bodies to their cardio limits!

I dug a little deeper and was pleased to find out that TurboFire is based on an incredibly effective mode of exercise called HIIT, or High Intensity Interval Training.  By boosting your cardio and mixing it with strength training, your body creates something called an AfterBurn effect (both Jillian and Chalene swear by it) whereby it burns 9x more calories for HOURS afterwards.  Usually using plyometrics (can be a bit painful if you're a plantar fasciitis sufferer like me, but if you take care of your feet by stretching throughout the day, and icing, the results are so worth it!) and bursts of high intensity followed by a lighter recovery period.  Its hardcore, and the results speak for themselves.

So TurboFire it is, and my first experience with the class was challenging, mainly because of the choreography.  I'm not very coordinated so it was a huge challenge for me, and I look forward to getting better.  I'll go through my impressions on TurboFire and how it measures up to Body Revolution after my first week on the program!

Also, to come, skinny jean pics!!!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Body Revolution Redux

Hello folks out there in internet-world!

It's been one heluva month, let me tell you!  I've made it to the 45lbs lost mark, and I've been working like crazy!  I took a month to try out some of Jillian's other DVDs whilst I waited for the end of August for a second round of the Body Revolution.  Today marks Day 2 of the KickStart week, where you follow a rather strict meal plan and do two workouts a day.  I just finished my second of the day and man am I tired!

For those of you who are wanting to know, here's a brief blurb on each of the DVDs I tried out:

J.M. 6 Week 6 Pack

Yowza!  Even though Jillian's got a new Abs workout DVD that is JUST about to be released, this one is not that old (2010) and its a heluva good workout!  Jillian takes you through all sorts of crazy ab intensive moves, that also happen to be cardiorific for max calorie burn.  She helps you build that core up while blasting the fat away because really, what's the use of having a 6 pack if there's a bunch of fat getting in the way of showing it off?  Two workouts that are roughly 30 minutes (we all know she likes to sneak in an extra min or so here and there!) and yes the Level 1 is damn challenging and Level 2 will knock your socks off!

J.M Extreme Shed and Shred

I used this for my cardio DVD for the last month.  Its crazy!  Its actually two halfish hour workouts that you can do either seperately or together for a workout that lasts over an hour.  I tried that once.  It did not end well.  'Nuff Said.

J.M. Kickboxing Fast Fix

I love this DVD (I have it in mp4 format) for the simple reason that the workouts are super short (20-25 mins each) and they are crazy in the cardio!  Its a full body blast, its short and I don't use it for my main workout but if I've got some extra energy juice at the end of the night, this is a good one to use it all up on!

J.M. Killer Buns & Thighs

So.  I did this one once this month.  I only did the Level 1 workout and well....my poor poor buttocks were quite tingly for awhile afterwards.  Definitely not for the faint of heart, this DVD will totally whip your butt and thighs into the greatest of shapes.  Can't wait till after this go around of Body Revolution to explore it some more!


Well there you have it.  Great DVDs, the workouts are just long enough and at the same time, not too long.  I'm very happy with my purchases and I can't deny the results I'm getting.  I also can't deny the fact that my journey has inspired a few of my friends and family to get up and get moving and invest some time in themselves.  Whether its Jillian Michaels, P90x, Insanity, CrossFit, Yoga, Kettlebell, Spin.....working out your body helps to keep it in top form so that it can keep working for you.  I'm unbelievably chuffed to have inspired some of you guys out there, and I know each and every one of you can achieve the results you desire.  It takes hard work and determination, but I know you have it in you.  Jillian knows you have it in you.  

It's time, isn't it?  So get off the couch, kick your own ass and find the healthy you you've always dreamed of.  In the immortal words of Michaels,

"Find your why.  Once you have a why, you can tolerate ANY how"

Remember those words, they'll help you in the Killer Buns and Thighs. ;-)

Monday, August 13, 2012

Back to Life, Back to Reality...

I got my hair cut.

Big deal? Nah, not really.  But the style I got kinda is, at least for me.  I got a bit of a graduated bob, that hits me right at my jawline.  Why do I care about how long my hair is?  

Because my jawline has resurfaced!

I can now rock this cut and have it look good.  Instead of focussing attention on my double chin, its focussing attention on my jawline!

This weekend I began to really see myself in the mirror (uh and the reflection in the glass doors of Dave's Battletech Minis cupboards.  I really need to get a full length mirror already!) and began to really take in the changes that my body is going through.

My shoulders and arms are much more square, instead of rounded and soft.  They look strong, even though plank variations still give me a tough time.  My neck is smaller, and I can begin to see the definition of my collarbone.  I'm standing straighter, with purpose and strength.  I'm holding my head a bit higher.

Full body wise, my stomach is flatter, my butt be smaller, and I can stand on one leg and do a single leg squat.  Its "cray cray"!  I can see my body shape, turns out I'm somewhere between a pear and an hour glass figure....these hips don't lie baby!

Most of all though, I feel...like "myself".  Not necessarily like what I used to be like when I was smaller before, but I feel more in touch with who the essence of me is.  She's strong, determined and totally kicks ass!  I feel spunkier, funkier, which is also reflected in my haircut.  I need some new product though to play around with it!  That *is* something I used to love in high school....getting a shorter 'do and using product and having fun with it!  Bed Head is still one of my favourite products. I'm still red as far as colour goes and I don't see that changing anytime soon, though I think I might try a bit of turquoise underneath my bangs for fun.

My perception on this journey is beginning to change.  It's not just about getting healthier because of the repercussions of what would happen to me if I didn't change anything.  Now, I'm more excited to be able to DO things.  To be able to push myself and see how far I can go.  Jump higher, run faster, do a pushup (still struggling with this!).  The clothes are gonna be fun, but also just feeling--no--BEING a healthy, normal person is going to be amazing.  I'm gaining control of my life, my health, and my future.  I can see a difference in my work ethic and my stamina.  I feel GREAT!



Wednesday, August 8, 2012

the ZONE!

So I've recently hit a bit of a ...well I guess the term would be "fell off the wagon".  Not totally....more like I was dangling my upper body off the back of the wagon.  Y'know, to see if I could stay mostly on the wagon...but still be off it.  Hard to explain, but essentially I lost a bit of control in the food area.  Workouts were continuously going on, but perhaps a bit less energy being brought to them, and excuses for why I couldn't try this or that move because "I so totally can't do it".  The scale refused to budge downward, and then last week.....it went up.

The culprit?  My friend James and his kitchen/bbq wizardry.  Okay really it was also my fault for caving, but even Jillian Michaels says that willpower is "bullshit".

"Control your surroundings and purge your kitchen of all the crap and only stock healthy, nutritious options."  Of course she's also all about not denying yourself either, so long as you keep your indulgences within your daily calorie allotment.  Purging the kitchen gets a bit tricky when you're in a relationship though.  Especially with a guy who has a weekly game night with his buddies.  While I cringe and secretly want want WANT those chips, who the hell am I to make those guys have to eat the stuff I eat?  Who am I to begrudge them their calorie laden but oh-so-tempting pizza binge?

I found myself faltering, and unsure of why.  Then I gave myself a reality check:

1.  I work.  A LOT.  Mon-Fri (for now, Sept. is going to be crazy).  My days are minimum 10 hrs, and max typically 12.

2.  I work OUT.  Every morning.  I wake up at 5am, eat my 100 calories of almonds so my body doesn't cannibalize its own muscle.  Get up proper at 5:45am and work out until roughly 6:35/6:40am.  Shower, makeup/brush teeth/hair, dress, downstairs by 7:05am.  Eat breakfast and leave the house by 7:20-7:25am.  In order to do this every morning...I need to be in bed for 10pm.

3.  I have a boyfriend.  Poor guy's been neglected a bit simply because I'm exhausted from 1 & 2.

4. I have to plan/cook meals in advance so I don't eat crap at work for lunch/dinner.  This has fallen by the wayside lately, resulting in mishmashed meals that aren't all that filling, just calorie counted for the most part....leaving me unsatisfied and hungry.

5.  I have friends & family.  At least I think I do....they haven't seen much of me lately, and that's because of 1-4.

6.  I have a me.  And I forget about me sometimes.  I'm a person who needs "me" time.  More than I tend to get these days.

7. I have interests and TV shows I like to watch.  Since working in film & tv, my actual watching of tv shows and movies has fallen WAY down.  The only show I worry about right now is The Newsroom. When I *do* have spare time and control of the tv, there's usually only crap on and I find myself watching frakken Toddlers and Tantrums...I mean Tiaras.  *sigh*  But thats for a different blog.

So, I'm being pulled...seven ways from Sunday (that's a saying right?  Well it is now!) and its no freaking wonder I'm going nuts!  My entire life is being scheduled out of the wazoo!  I'm running a marathon and I'm finally hitting that first Wall.

This week though, I'm dedicated to regaining control.  My workouts are going stronger, I bought a heart rate monitor to help me keep my heart rate up there.  I'm planning my meals a bit better, and have planned out and created a shopping list for the first week of September when I'm going to be restarting the Body Revolution with some online friends.  Another 90 days, hopefully another 38 lbs.  Maybe more?  This time around I'm going to give it a full go.

Start date: Sept. 3rd, 2012.
End date: November 23rd, 2012.

Goals:

DRINK:  8 glasses of water a day
                NO ALCOHOL. (Yes, this means Turkey Dinner will be sans wine, but I'll be done before Christmas, so I'll be able to enjoy the holidays.)
                NO POP, NO EXCEPTIONS.  I've been lax with this one.  Time to stop.

FOOD:   Keep my calories at 1200-1300 a day, and make sure I work in a treat each day WITHIN my daily allowance.
                Do the Kickstart Week as planned.  Cook ahead, and PLAN SEPTEMBERS FOOD!!! (with 3 days off between sept 6 and 23rd, it's gonna take a lot of planning!)

               Work on keeping better track of other parts of the foods I eat, carbs, sodium, etc.  Stay within the recommended daily max for these.

               Use the Master Your Metabolism Cookbook.  READ Master Your Metabolism.

EXERCISE: Do the Kickstart Week exercise plan. (Extra cardio dvd in the evening.  Depending on my schedule, may do both workouts before work....getting home at 2 or 3am and then working out is NOT my idea of a good time!)

                      Work on keeping my heart rate elevated as long as possible in order to keep conditioning.

I can DO this, its 90 days, it CAN be done.

HOO-AH!!!



Thursday, July 19, 2012

New Contract, New Hope...

Hey everyone!  Haven't written in awhile mainly due to work.  I've finished one contract and then went straight onto another, so I haven't really had time to breathe, let alone fight the wonderful head/chest cold combo I came down with this past Saturday.  Oy vey!

So as of today, I am down 33lbs total since Easter of this year.  My dedication to working out is slightly waning due to my recent illness. I had to take off two days to allow my lungs to clear up before straining them too much (and so my body used its energy to destroy the infection or whatever it was that was causing me to be sick in the first place!) and now I'm finding that I enjoy sleeping in.....to the luxurious hour of 6:20.  It doesn't help that my new workplace is a bit further than my last and hence I require an extra 10 minutes in the morning.  What is 10 minutes, you say?  Well when its the difference between waking up at 5:50am and 5:40am, its all the difference in the world!

Then there is the fact that as of next Wednesday, I'll be finished the 90 day Body Revolution.  Now many of the Before & Afters on the site listed incredi-amazing results like 90lbs down, etc etc.  I'm only down 33lbs. I say only because well....90 vs 33.  Regardless, I have admitted that my food intake can be a bit....uncontrolled and its something I battle with every day.  That and finding enough time to cook ahead for the week.

Time, time time.  I never seem to have enough, yet everybody else seems to have ooodles of it.

This contract runs until October.  That gives me T minus 11 to 12 weeks. My goal is to lose another 20 lbs by the end of this contract.  Anybody who's worked in Production will know how difficult this can be.  I won't sugar coat it, it'll be messy, it'll be arduous, but it MUST BE DONE!

So if anybody wants to be my cheerleader, feel free, I feel like I'm gonna need it!


Thursday, July 5, 2012

Ode to A Peanut Butter Cupcake...

Dear Cupcake,

You were delicious.

Your creamy Peanut Butter frosting was decadent and delightful.

Your fluffy, moist posterior brought tears of joy to my eyes as I sunk the fork into you.

As I watched you travel on that fork from the plate to my mouth, I felt anticipation like never before.

You felt like heaven in my mouth, bringing joy to my tastebuds as they alighted with flavour and richness.

I savoured you.

I savoured every little crumb.

You may be worth a zillion calories, but you were oh so worth it.

There shan't be another like you for quite some time...

Okay, I lie, because my brother's wedding occurs this weekend.

But I assure you, it won't hold a candle to your chocolatey, peanut buttery deliciousness.

And now, my dear little cupcake, the time has come for me to move on.

Remembering always, the satisfaction I gained from your consumption,

Safe with the knowledge that I don't need that experience as often as I think I do.

To do that would be to cheapen what we had, and that would be a great injustice.

So I walk forward, without worry, without regret.

I wish you the best, and please be kind to my ass.

Yours Lovingly,

Amanda.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Myth of the Self Confident Fat Girl


***Let me preface this by stating that the following by no means applies to every larger girl out there, its simply my truth and if there are others out there who feel the same, know that you are not alone!****

Once upon a time there was a girl who had become fat.

To the world she presented a smiling, funny, smart, outgoing self.

She had friends aplenty, but no boyfriend, but that was okay, because everything was okay!!!! With exclamation points!!!!

But when she was alone, in her room, her evil demons would come out to play.  Every evil word she'd had thrown at her would swirl about her head, echoing in her darkened room. Every dirty, mocking face she'd seen would float in front of her eyes and the evil things that had happened to her would scream for attention.  The words and the looks, said and unsaid, seen and unseen, every little imperfection actual or perceived would taunt her, feeding on her insecurity, eating her up inside.

Her perfectly happy, bubbly outside self felt rather..loose about her real self, which is why she began to eat in the first place.  All the space that had once been filled with the confidence and innocence of youth, before the ugly words and faces and bad things began to haunt her and eat her up inside was now empty.  She felt this emptiness profoundly and discovered that food would help her feel full.  It made the ugly things go away, and made her numb.

Numb she could deal with.  Numb was safe.

She travelled the world, seeking out places she had dreamed of, and some she hadn't.  She had experiences galore, but somehow they felt....empty.

That horrible, awful empty.  

Then one day, she met a someone.  This someone somehow saw the thin shadow that had become her real self, buried under the layers of fat that had become placeholders for her confidence, her trust in herself.  He could see the real her and more importantly, he liked what he saw.  Rather quickly, the two of them fell in love.  Rather slowly, but surely, she began to see herself as he saw her: Strong, truly funny, interesting, beautiful, intelligent, deserving of love, and confident.

She started to fill herself up inside, fill it with love, support, trust, and confidence and more. Soon she began to realize that there wasn't any room anymore for the fat. The security blanket-like armour she had surrounded herself with, that had kept her numb was no longer needed. She needed to shed it, as the love from her someone began a spark of feeling inside of her, and she no longer wanted the numb. She wanted to live her life fully, and knew that she could do it.

She began to excercise to shed that weight, she began to count her calories and eat better in general and found that when she indulged, she truly enjoyed it. However, she did come to realize that all that eating had caused her to become extremely addicted to bad foods and she consistently struggled with this one last demon. She hasn't yet defeated this one, but with the continued love and support of her someone, she always has someone to help her back on the wagon when she falls off.

And that is truly beautiful.

Thank you Dave, for being my someone.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Squatters rights....

Hey, I just tried to make that there headline snappy...but this post has nothing to do with squatters and everything to do with squats!

Turns out I've been doing squats wrong and this is probably the cause of some slight knee pain in my left knee after workouts.

While I thought I was doing things properly, I was indeed putting my weight too much forward engaging my quads and my back instead of my glutes and my hamstrings.  And I was wondering why one legged bridge was so damned difficult!  My glutes and hammies were just along for the ride and not getting any stronger.  I can do a regular bridge pose, but throwing that one leg up in the air?  Fahgettaboutit!

When I figured this out, I tried to do a squat with the proper form and dang!  It was tough!  Going to have to blast my glutes n hamstrings in order to bring them up to snuff so I can actually perform this move!

But it'll get done!

For now, I'm just ecstatic that I can do buttkicks relatively easily now, and with minimal pain in my right foot (knock wood!).  Slowly but surely I'm getting stronger, and I'm getting better!

For everybody out there: Proper form when performing circuit training of any type is key!  I'm finding it even more difficult because I'm using body weight instead of artificially isolating muscle groups at the gym and therefore utilizing all my stabilizing muscles.  And they're not exactly in peak form yet, so form can get a bit tricky to keep in line.  I'm taking it slow and doing my best and that's all anybody could ask for!

Until Next Time...

Thursday, June 21, 2012

The Importance of Being Earnest...

I know I started the last post with a definition, but just because I can...

Earnest: Adjective: Resulting from or showing intense conviction.

When I started this weight loss journey, something about it was different.  Then I realized that it wasn't something it was someone.  Me.  I was different.  My epiphany on the hillside at Jay Peak had done something to me.  I wanted more.  More from life and more from myself.

I had done diets and getting more active in the past, but this time I was different, my perception was different.

I began to live my life in earnest.  I began to exercise in earnest.

I could say "I began the road to living my life in earnest" but I don't think that true living can only occur once I've reached my end goal.  This process, this rehab of my physical well being is an awakening.  I'm beginning to think of and anticipate being able to do things I couldn't do last year.  I may try water skiing again this summer, if I feel that I have the strength (last year I did a number to my forearms...oof!) for it.

There's a conviction and a strong desire for health and physical evolution here.  This blog is helping with the emotional evolution that must go along with it.

I looked in the mirror this morning and while I could still see that I have a long way to go, I could also see a stronger, more fit person looking back at me.  There's strength in my stance and strength in myself that wasn't there before.  There's less of my physically, but more of me in strength and wellness.  I'm 1 lb away from 30 lbs gone and it feels amazing!

I've found myself looking around for new classes to try out and feel excited and perhaps a bit nervous, but there's always an excitement.

So I guess what I'm trying to impart here is that I've found the secret to losing weight:

I'm doing it in earnest.  I feel this change right to my very core.  While my turning point involved a physical activity, it was an emotional and mental clarity that just rang through to the deepest, darkest part of me.  All that baggage, all that sh*t that had me packing on the pounds in order to hide from the world became irrelevant, it didn't matter any more.  I'll still have to deal with some of those things, but they were no longer feeding on my insecurities.  I began to feel that I had worth, I was worthy of living and of living life to its fullest potential.

So here I am world!  I'm alive!


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

I Am a Compulsive Overeater...

Compulsive overeating, also sometimes called food addiction, is characterized by an obsessive/compulsive relationship to food. Professionals address this with either a behavior-modification model or a food-addiction model.[1] An individual suffering from compulsive overeating disorder engages in frequent episodes of uncontrolled eating, or binge eating, during which they may feel frenzied or out of control, often consuming food past the point of being comfortably full. Binging in this way is generally followed by feelings of guilt and depression. Unlike individuals with bulimia, compulsive overeaters do not attempt to compensate for their binging with purging behaviors such as fasting, laxative use or vomiting. Compulsive overeaters will typically eat when they are not hungry. Their obsession is demonstrated in that they spend excessive amounts of time and thought devoted to food, and secretly plan or fantasize about eating alone -Wikipedia


I could have shortened that definition, but it wouldn't really cover the depth of this affliction.  This is also a very difficult blog to write, but sometimes, you just need to let it out and show the world your scars and stop hiding them.


I am a Compulsive Overeater.  It's what I would personally define as an eating disorder, though I'm not sure what its medical status is.  To me, its the opposite of anorexia and again, I've no clue what the medical folks would say to that, but to me personally that's what it feels like.  I can't remember what my relationship with food was like when I was younger, say younger than 13 or so, but I do remember at some point when I was in grade 7 or 8, my parents started making me have salads for lunch.


I also recall a time in class when I was colouring something on the floor and had to be bent over and I guess my butt crack was showin' cuz I garnered a couple snickers and giggles behind my back--literally.  I remember feeling uber embarrassed and while I wasn't fat at this point, I wasn't skinny either.  I was healthy, and perhaps had a little "puppy fat" on my frame.  It didn't necessarily help either that I really didn't like sports.  I was much more of a reader than a doer.  


Grade 8 was when I really started feeling pressure from my mom about weight.  She was obsessed with food and how much I ate, and how I looked in clothes and what it would mean if I went to High School overweight.  I remember walking about at the high school open house and stopping by at the cheerleading booth (I mean c'mon, EVERY girl wants to be a cheerleader!) and making the comment "Well I'd love to try out, but I'll have to lose some weight before fall".  WHO DOES THAT AT 13/14 YEARS OLD?!?!?!? My awareness of food as something to be guilty about was instilled in me already.


The biggest, most defining moment of my adolescence and probably the defining moment I had with my relationship to food occurred while trying on the high school uniforms.  I was 5'5/5'6" and 130lbs.  My mom refused to buy me a kilt because I was "too fat".  She used it as some sort of incentive to lose weight.  Instead of encouraging me to get involved in sports (I was involved with rowing, but only because mom and dad pushed me to and they definitely made it seem like more of a punishment than something to get excited about) she started harping on me about food.


If I ate a cookie, there'd be oinking noises thrown in my direction.


I was told nobody would want to "go out" with a girl like me in my physical condition.


What I realize now, nobody would want to "go out" with a girl like me in my then emotional/mental/self esteem condition.


My parents thought they were helping me by humiliating me, breaking me down and ruining my self-esteem.  All they did was humiliate me, break me down and ruin my self esteem.


It took many years for me to feel any type of self-worth.


So while I wasn't fat at the start of high school, the taunting and the obsessing from both my parents had the opposite of their desired effect on me.  Instead of watching what I was eating or getting more active, I would start to binge eat, often in private.  In my subconscious there was that feeling of "You think I'm fat?  I'll show you fat!".  But the food also had a comforting effect on me.  I fell in love with foods that had pleasing textures and sweet tastes.  To this day, I can't pass up a Nibs!  And as my waistline expanded, my self esteem plummeted.  When the odd guy would show some sort of interest in me, I wouldn't trust him or his affections.  I didn't think I deserved any type of love or affection since I obviously didn't deserve my parents love or affection.


Oh yeah, during this time my dad and I had a bit of a rocky relationship and my mom and I were constantly at loggerheads.  I blame the fact that she went through early menopause right when I hit puberty.  SOOOOOOOO not a good mix!  Looking back on all this, it hurts, but I also can see that my parents were coming from a place of love and concern for me.  Of course when you're a teenager, it seems like all the world is out to get you anyways, so when you don't really feel like you have the love and support of your parents, it seems like you're absolutely worthless.


Since the view I had of myself was crap, it comes to no surprise (now) that I had a tough time making friends in high school.  I tried to fit in with "cooler" groups, but would get rebuffed constantly.  Now I can look back and just kinda facepalm and say "no wonder!"


The phrase "You really have to love yourself before you can love someone else" is so true.  Once I began to accept myself for who I was: Awesome, fun, confident, responsible, reliable, talented, able, curvy and, yes, overweight- I was able to start on the long path to recovery to health.  I accepted that I was overweight, nay, obese (and well, still am but I'm workin on it) and while I didn't start losing weight right away, I was able to at least begin focusing and developing my positives.  As I saw more positives in me, others began to see more positives in me as well....especially my wonderful, supportive, cheerleader partner, Dave.  I use the word partner because he's so much more than just a boyfriend.  We are partners, he's in my corner and I in his.


I know this is a long post, but I just want to throw in a bit more on my folks.  While our relationship during my adolescence was quite dysfunctional, and while there still is quite a bit of hurt there, the healing and forgiveness has already begun.  I don't blame my parents any more, I recognize that they are human and that while they thought they were doing what was best for me, it did quite a bit of damage.  However, they also did a lot of good. They put me in piano, my mom let me do drama for a year as an extra thing in addition to piano, and let me get involved with the Drama Club at school.  This definitely helped make me more confident and a lot less shy.


 She also put me in German classes on the weekends and to this day I still have a love of languages.  Parenting is a tricky thing, and I know I gave my parents a big run for their money!  This is my attempt to not only purge, but also letting any parents out there know: you shape your kids in a BIG way.  We are all blunderers in this world, and shit happens but just make sure that your kid NEVER EVER doubts that you love them unconditionally and that you will support them in their endeavors.  


Luckily, by the time I went to University, my parents were becoming a lot more supportive. They let me decide what I wanted to go to school for (Radio & Television) and as I discovered and developed new talents, they were very supportive and encouraging.  As I have gotten older, my relationships with my folks have changed and blossomed.  There are some things I still don't get about them (man they can be certainly old fashioned in some regards!!) but I know they love me, and they know I love them.  There's no more angst, just sadness that so much time was wasted in anger, frustration and misdirection.  We move, onwards and upwards.


What defines us is how we'll rise when we fall.


I've risen to my challenges.  How bout you?

Monday, June 18, 2012

Why must it be all or nothing?

All or nothing.

It's an attitude that many folks in North America have, especially when it comes to weight loss.  It's why so many of us fail at losing weight and even more so at keeping it off.  We've all been there at the beginning, gung ho attitude, strict as hell with our diets and pushing pushing pushing our limits in the gym.  How long does that usually last?  A week? Two?  Maybe a month?  You do so well, pushing yourself, getting used to being uncomfortable at the gym, eating perfectly healthily and counting those calories, carbs and fats.  The weight just melts off you as it is wont to do at the beginning of any weight loss regimen.

And then something happens.

Maybe its a plateau, maybe its a birthday party, or just a weekend at the cottage or a dinner out.  You eat way too much, or haven't worked out and you ditch the diet or workout regimen and sliiiiiiiiiiide all the way back into despair and Twinkies.  The scale begins its inevitable creep back up, up, up and your self esteem sinks down, down, down.  The feelings of failure and ineptitude just wash over you and you realize that once more, you've failed.

I've been guilty of this more often than not.

When I started on this journey, I just gave-er.  I was all into it, and was so strict with my diet and of course the pounds seemed to melt off.  Then I hit a plateau after I had lost 20lbs.  I felt crushed.  I knew a plateau would occur, I just didn't think it would happen so quickly considering how much weight I had to lose yet.  I was furious with my body thinking "How DARE you plateau on me so soon!  We have SOOO much to lose, and here you are working against me already?!"  And of course, I was furious with myself.  I had begun to slide a bit on my diet, eating a bit more than I should...and that bit more was always of something sweet and totally not healthy.

As most of you know, actually probably all of you since you most likely got here through facebook, I post about my losses and not losses on facebook.  Its a bit of an accountability thing, but even more so for the cheering squad I have in my corner.  Honestly, I couldn't have stuck with this without all your support...it helps to keep me focussed and on target, so Thank You.

Anyways, I had posted that I was disappointed with my plateau and got so many responses telling me to stay focused and to not give up.  There were also a few of you who reminded me that I had just dropped 20lbs off my body and well, honestly, my body needed some time to adjust to that.  It made sense, especially when my partner, Dave, showed me a picture online that depicted just how much 10lbs of fat was.  Its quite a bit...and I had just lost two of them!  I stuck on target, and then started losing weight again just a bit more slowly than before.  Instead of 4-5lbs a week, I was dropping a modest but healthy 2lbs.  Thats to say nothing of the crazy amount of muscle I had shredded on my bod.

I also started being a bit more forgiving with myself.  If I had a bad day calorie wise, I didn't give up.  I just started looking forward, never back.  A bad day is a bad day and we all have those.  I'm allowed to slip, I'm allowed to mess up, and when I realize and acknowledge that I have done so, I dig in my heels and start climbing back up.  If there's one thing I've learned about myself, its that I'm extremely tenacious.

This time its different.

I know I can't keep eating the way I was eating.  Its not healthy nor is it sustainable.  I've also realized that I *can* have that piece of cake or french fry.  I just can't eat as much as I sometimes would like to.  That's okay.  There's also a wealth of different kinds of foods out there.  I'm pretty adventurous (except where seafood is concerned) so I'll try almost anything once.  Realizing how my food affects the functions of my body has been my biggest step forward.  An only slightly smaller one is discovering a joy of exercise. The more I can do, the better I feel.

I can feel the cold wind against my face as I whiz down the slopes on a snowboard already!

Coming up next time....

...dealing with the realization that I'm a Compulsive Overeater, and my relationship with food.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Why I'm So Darned Sore This Week...

Ouch.

'Tis the first thought that came to my mind when I stood up this morning.

Ouch.  Owie.  Oooowwww!

It's not just the stupid foot syndrome I suffer from (aka Plantar Fasciitis.  Look it up, it sucks!) but also a general sense of, well....Ouch.

Now of course some of you are thinking "Well, of course Amanda, you SHOULD be feeling a bit owie these days, you're working out.  It's a 'good' kind of pain." and its true, there was a bit of that but there was also a bit of "goddamnit, this just hurts!"

In the Jillian Michaels Body Revolution system, you work out 6 out of 7 days a week, for a half hour.  Two of those days are cardio specific days (and yes there's a Cardio DVD for each "Phase" or month of the program...and they're pretty deadly especially for foot impact) and the rest are a mix of cardio, abs and strength training.  It's a great mix, great workout, and I enjoy the sweating and blood pumping first thing in the morning.

 However for the past couple weeks, my weight loss has kinda slowed down and I also felt like I could use some "bonus" workouts just to throw in some extra calorie burning. On Monday, after the Workout 7 DVD, my hamstrings were super tight and my foot was bothering me so I decided to grab a yoga class if I got out of work on time.  My boss, being the super awesome human being she is, let me go early specifically so I could grab a yoga class!

I checked out a yoga studio that is in my neighbourhood (the Junction) called Breathe Yoga Studio.  Its a really nice, chill studio (then again what yoga studio isn't?) and the instructor was very helpful and instructive and not pushy telling us to go at our own pace.  After all that stretching, one would think my poor hammies would be feeling better, and you'd be wrong!  Still did my Tuesday routine, but added in some extra hamstring stretching to help ease my poor overwrought muscles!

 Wednesday morning, I did my cardio DVD and decided to finally give Spin a chance.  I knew it'd be challenging, but I felt that I was up to it and that it might be a fun cardio alternative, where I could be in a class setting and feel like I could just really give-er!

Oh boy, and I gave-er big time!  Pushed myself and kicked my butt.  Even had a bit of a side stich that I stretched and cycled through.  Didn't stop my legs moving the entire time.  Sometimes fell out of sync with the beat/speed that we were supposed to keep, but as my instructor told me "Worry about the different positions for your first time, speed will come later".  I still blasted it out when I could and tried hard to blast it out when I couldn't keep all the way up.

Today, my hammies are still a bit tight, but a lot less.  The most extreme pain however, is well...in the "delicate" area of where you sit on the bike seat.  I even had a gel cover on my seat and it hurt big time.  Towards the end of the class I was noticing some severe discomfort and was having a tough time keeping up not because I was wiped, but simply due to pain.  This morning, sitting up was a challenge.  Sitting down is even worse.  My sit bones are sore as hell.

And yet, I can't wait for my next class.

Who the hell am I and what have I done to me?!!

...it's so totally awesome!!!!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Beginning...

So this past Christmas, my partner and I went to Vermont with his family for a few days of winter fun (aka Skiing).  I was very excited to try downhill skiing, but of course was a little worried because I was so out of shape.  I work in film & television in the production offices and, well, its not exactly a job that lends itself to healthy living between the sedentary nature of my job and the catered food!  It was decided since I had never downhill skied before, the best thing for me would be to do a 3 day intro course that came with a ski lift pass for the afternoons after my lessons.

Well!  First things first, I had to get kitted out with ski boots, skis and poles.  Problem #1 cropped up as I tried so very hard to do up the ski boots.  As some of you may know, I have very very tiny ankles and wrists (and therefore I am obviously small boned) however I have ridiculously large calves!  In the end I was able to do them up, but my heels weren't really touching the bottoms of the boots.  The skis and poles themselves weren't a problem.

Teaching the class was a jolly fella with quite the impressive beard.  He was patient and thorough and while I was getting the hang of the technique, there were many things my poor body was having issue with.  The boots for one were just absolutely excruciating, and then there was the whole "pizza/french fries" practice for starting up and slowing down.  My hips open pretty well to the outside, but barely at all to the inside.  What ended up happening was a slooooooow and extremely painful go down the bunny hill with my instructor holding my hands and telling me where to lean etc.  By the bottom of the hill I was in tears, between the boots which were causing some serious pain in my shins to my hips which were just saying "Aw HELLS no!" to the "pizza" stance.

I decided then and there that skiing was not for me.

That afternoon, I started snowboarding.

I was already pretty wiped from the morning and in a bit of pain in my shins (which took weeks to go away, I'm certain I did some significant internal bruising there!) but was determined to be able to enjoy SOME sort of outdoor winter sport.  I mean, c'mon, I had bought a pair of goggles!

My teachers for this first afternoon class were a couple of seriously "dude!" type snowboarders.  I believe one was named Kyle.  Maybe.  Anyways, they were very chill and knew that I had had quite the morning and since there was only one other girl in the class, we took it very slow and learned how to start and stop going down a very slight ....well bump really.  My legs were screaming by the end of that first day, but I was finally having fun and my poor shins were at least more comfortable-ish in the snowboarding boots.  Also, I gotta say the Snowboarder Swagger looks way more awesome than the silly Skier Shuffle. (Gotta take a jab at the Skiers since all of Dave's family were making jabs at me turning over to the darkside of Snowboarding!).

Fast forward two more days and my legs were WRECKED!  Since I'm a "regular" stance kinda gal (meaning I lead with my left leg), my left thigh was on fire...for those of you who don't know, in snowboarding, the leg you lead with gets the most weight put on it so you can control how fast you're going. Lean all the way back and you're slippin and sliding faster than that little mouse from Looney Tunes!  I was also at this point expected to be able to clip in both feet on the board and get up without any assistance at the top of the hill!  This was my breaking point.  My snowpants were rather tight round my midsection, and as such, bending over to do up my boots on the board was difficult and made me get out of breath.  Also, the getting up was extremely difficult.  While Dave and his family were impressed by my tenacity, I was embarrassed by my lack of physical fitness.  I decided that I needed to do something, and it needed to be a bit more drastic than Weight Watchers.  I didn't want to just drop pounds, I wanted muscle and I wanted to be fit.  Sooo....

TO THE INTERWEBS!

I had been intruiged by the Jillian Michaels website before, as its cost ($4/wk) was better than Weight Watchers, and I knew from the Biggest Loser that Jillian would definitely be the one who would kick my butt into shape!  However, it took a few more months before I finally committed to the program.  My friend Katie decided to do the 30 Day Shred, and I figured "Hey for $12, I can give that a shot!"  So I did.  I signed up for the site, started counting my calories and started the 30 Day Shred.  It was tough, and there were things I couldn't do, but by the end of the month I had finally progressed to the Level 2 workout.

Then I started noticing threads on the website talking about Jillians new workout system, the Body Revolution.  After hmming and hawing and debating in my head about the price, I caved and bought it.  I'm about halfway through now, and I've stuck to it.  I'm down 25lbs, and down over 4 inches in the waist and over 2 in the hips/butt area.  25lbs I may be down, but there's a long long road ahead of me.  I know this, and I'm ready for it.

A few things to know:

At my heaviest, I was 260lbs.

I'm now in the mid 230s.

I couldn't balance on one foot to save my life at the beginning of my journey.  I can now.

I still have issues with pushups and can only do the "girl" style, but I'm working on it.

I couldn't really make it down the bunny hill on my snowboard last year.

This year, I will.